Memento mori

As above, i am sick as a dog these few days. Sigh, this period of time i really need some care and love but i can't even think of where to look for one. Think it's myself who is pushing everybody away. Oh poor me, do cry me a river if you happens to take pity at me.

I am having sinusitis. This morning when i looked into the pc screen, i can actually feel the throbbing of my head and the migraine is just simply unbearable. I don't know how many errors i have made but frankly i think i rather don't care about it. Worst of all, in the afternoon, yet another stupid training which somehow in the end i need to do the presentation as the team leader and come out with a 2 weeks project. I am so so tired of ALL of these.

Sigh, i do need love. Where is my love? Companionship is rare for me i guess.. Even my best of friend would think i am rather possesive and patronising. Sigh..

Another funny thing, that day i gone to the clinic for my sinusitis MC, i actually read a stick up ad that tells us the 10 symptoms of detection for depression. And u know what, other than the suicidal attempt, i think i have 9 of them. OMG, am i having a psycho problem here?? Then i should need a psychiatric consultation then... would like to request for more MCs. That would serve my VP right, see if i could break the 2 days MCs she given to each staff.

I am rather glad that i am havnig streamyx now, at least i can download some movies and songs to watch and listen to. Orelse i think i will go crazy. Think of myself having no companionship, no friend, no life....!!! Perhaps i am rather pessismistic here. But being bad as i am, i think being lonely and loveless really do serve me right. Sigh...

I have just been told by a friend that i am possessive, controlling and patronising. And the worst of all, i am also easily angered and all my friends and in turn their friends are sort of terrified at me. I really really don't know how i got this. I have been trying very hard to think of the underlying cause for this but i totally failed about this. Was is because of my bad memories during high school days that finaly manifested or it's already inherent with me.

I always think that i am who i am, if you don't like me, then let me be. Seems that i am totally wrong. I soon realised that i am getting less friendlier to people and lonely with no good friends and no one to talk with. Or is it because the total lack of relationship in my life that i am becoming patronising and suffocating.. Just as the friend as told me.

I am actually quite glad that he told me the truth. Actually i am quite relieve that he finally can say it to my face what is my real problem. I totally salute it and also i am quite surprise at how calmly i am receiving this. Maybe deep down in my mind, i know this is the real me.

I am sad because of all that i know, i couldn't help it when situation arise. My anger is like a submerged demon waiting just for a chance to come out and do it's work. I totally hate myself for that but i just couldn't help it. My poor friend, i actually don't feel angry on him but i am taking pity on him as he is the one who got my most 'attention'. Guess the lack of a true good friend would propel me to such madness.. some overly caring attitude which might sending a wrong signal to the receiving party. I have got nothing to say but just sorry to him.

Anyway, may God bless him too. It's not actually the kind of Good Friday i had in mind. Maybe it's just the time for me to think of what i have done and try to do some damage control on that. Hope by Easter, i would become a better me albeit friendlier, less patronising and loving.

May the dear Lord hear my voice of prayer and guide me through this difficult time. Amen.

Today is a holiday for me, eventhough i am a Christian i do know that i am not a religious type. Today is the day that our good Lord Jesus shed his blood and died on the cross. And from this day on, cross shall not be the symbol of shame and death but for life, sacrifice and love.

Didn't have anything to do so just watched a movie that i have downloaded last night with my new Streamyx connection. It's called 'The Mist' and it is just a movie which talks about some military project which gone haywired and caused some catastrophe. Most of all, what i learnt from that movie is that we human should stick together and keep quiet. If everybody would have spoken, situtation would go bad and lose of life bounds to happen.

Sometimes even in real life i find it difficult for people simply to keep quiet. So many disagreement, gossiping, talking behind the back and backstabbing. Sue me for crying out loud but that's the reality of life i guess. Human being are created with a big mouth which don't ever stop. Not only on talks but on food too.. we gotta munch on something just to keep our life sustained. But the problem for today is, we tend to talk too much and eat too much. Talking too much hurts feelings, eating too much hurts our physical appeal. Haha. That's the irony of life i guess. You eat to live or u live to eat.

It has been some time that i think i have been having some mental disturbances. Lately i found that i am easily agitated, easily saddened and most of all forgetful and rather not focus on my work and life.

I don't know what is happening and that's the scary part of it. Maybe time really passes so fast that i am growing older than i am suppose to be.

Sometimes come to think of it, i think i am rather always in a constant state of mind where i am always tense. I just don't know what would happen to me if this conditions keep on going.

Hope my dear God can lend me his mighty hand... Do guide me Lord as i need u in this difficult time. Bless me if you can eventhough i am not as good as you expected. Amen on that.

Vita brevis breviter in brevi finietur,
Mors venit velociter quae neminem veretur,
Omnia mors perimit et nulli miseretur.
Ad mortem festinamus peccare desistamus.

Life is short, and shortly it will end;
Death comes quickly and respects no one,
It destroys everything and takes pity on no one.
To death we are hastening, let us refrain from sinning.

Ni conversus fueris et sicut puer factus
Et vitam mutaveris in meliores actus,
Intrare non poteris regnum Dei beatus.
Ad mortem festinamus peccare desistamus.

If you don't turn back and become like a child,
And change your life for the better,
You will not be able to enter, blessed, the Kingdom of God.
To death we are hastening, let us refrain from sinning.

Llibre Vermell de Montserrat - 1399